I'm no expert, but here's my official word on depression: IT SUCKS. That's it. Class dismissed. Well...not really. Sit back down and listen to my lecture on depression. It's draining. It can be soul crushing. No...not the lecture fool....depression! That helpless feeling? Check. Lost feeling? Check? Foggy life perception? Check and Check. So why am I writing about depression? Today of all days? Because I feel alone. I feel like no one else has it has bad as me. Now, don't get me wrong...I know that that isn't true. But that's the power of depression. Bending reality to fit my perception.
I'll share a little bit about myself. I'm in my mid 20s and have been struggling with these 'dark periods' for as long as I can remember. Never being able to quite put my finger on why I was sad all the time. Or why I eat when I'm feeling sad. I can become so disconnected from the people I care most about and I've finally learned that I have to blame this sickness who has decided to set up shop in my brain. I've struggled with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and fear because of this condition. Shame because I am the only person in my family who struggles with this disease (or maybe I'm the only one who talks about it). Growing up, my mom thought that she could pray it away-heck, I thought I could pray it away until 10 minutes ago! Shame because I view depression as a weakness. Again, I know that this isn't a true statement, but there goes my depression bending reality to fit into my perception. Why guilt? Guilt because of all that I've put my family through because of this lead weight that I carry. Guilt because therapy if fucking expensive when you're a single mother with 5+ kids. Guilt because I never, ever seem to just. get. BETTER. Why embarrassment? I'll share something with you that I tell my therapist every single session: normal people don't act this way! And then she gives me that blank stare (I have a feeling that she might practice it in the mirror) and proceeds to ask me "what's normal?" Then she kindly informs me of the statistics "such and such a percentage of people struggle with feelings of depression on an ongoing basis." Well...thanks Dr.X (can't put her name out on the world wide web-I like her too much), but I. STILL. DON'T. FEEL. NORMAL!!!! By the way, please don't ask me what normal looks like because then we'll start talking about my childhood and how Barbie and Ken screwed up how I see the world. That's a topic of discussion for a slow day.
So what have we learned from today's class? Nothing you probably don't already know. But...I'm sharing anyway. Guess what's going through my head riiiight now? "You're not along, you're not alone, you're not alone,yourenotalone,yourenotaloneyourenotaloneyourenotalone. Do I still feel alone???
YUP. More to come tomorrow.
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